Alcohol is evil!
28 May 2012 Leave a Comment
Even though I drink a lot less than I did a year ago it still rears its ugly head at times. I was so sick today, didn’t work. Drinking makes me unhappy all round so why do I keep on falling into it. I am thinking to give up all together. It’s just not doing me any favours. I am going to start imagining a life without drinking. Make it beautiful in my mind and use it as a rope to pull myself out onto dry land.
Sooo over it!
Endings
26 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in General Life, Personal Journey Tags: Committed relationship, Friendship, Intimate relationship, Platonic love, Relationship
I am somewhat sad today. I went over to H last night. We have been having a sort of relationship / friendship / sex thing for the last couple of years but nothing for the past 3 months or so since H broke his arm. Last night I went over for a massage.. wish usually ends in sex but didn’t. It was very strange.. I was sitting there after and just realised that it was finished. So I talked to H about us and our special bond. But also that I need more. I am ready to have someone in my life full-time. Committed! For this I need to make room so the sexual component of our bond must die.. and already has. That makes me somewhat sad but I know it’s the right thing. It’s coming from the Heart so I can’t ignore it.
The last 3-5 months I seem to be adjusting my close friendships. Removing the ‘platonic relationship’ elements from them. Being single for so long I kind of disbursed my need for intimacy into various friendships. This has been good and also not good. What I find is with intimacy comes expectations, projections and drama. I want less of that in friendships. And if I do need to invest these energies into someone then I want that person to be very special to me.
I am ready.. Universe, make me love!
Just finished reading Spirit Matters
26 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Entheogens Tags: Spirit Matters
Spirit Matters by Matt Pallamary has to be the best book I have read so far about someones personal journey into spirituality and awareness. It is great read! He explains Ayahuasca insights and journeys in the best way I have come across and his story is truly compelling.. highly recommend it.
Change starts in the heart and the mind
24 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: co-creation
Wow.. I haven’t written in ages. So J is not moving out any more. We decided to give it another go. The prospect of having a complete stranger move in was daunting. There is a lot of good living together. I think I just need to accept that sometimes, we will fight. But since the big blow up everything has been going great.
Been sitting more Circles. Madre is taking me in a new direction. My journeys are rarely heavy or cathartic now. But lighter with many insights and beautiful heart open communion with the others I sit with. So so beautiful. It’s changing me from the inside out.
I had this vision on my last journey that I was creating the universe with my heart and thoughts. It is having a profound effect on me. For so long I try to change my live by means of logistics. Completely in my head making a list of things to achieve and working out the steps to get there. Madre told me to stop… change will come all by itself. Just imagine it and then start to FEEL it… and FEEL the change as much and as ofter as you can and you become the Change and everything else around will adjust accordingly.
So that’s what I have started to do and I feel much more positive and happy already.
Work is going great, lot’s of new projects and the next property project is about to start… still.. can’t wait till all the properties are sold, money on the bank and then I am free to go.. out into the world!!!
J is moving out
17 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in General Life
After the fight we had we sat down yesterday and both came to the conclusion us living together is not a good idea. We have different expectations of each other and it is starting to ruin the friendship so she is starting to look around.
I am sad that it has to be this way. Much is great about sharing with her and I feel I am getting too old at 41 to have flatmates. Right now I can’t and don’t want to afford living by myself. Also last time I did I got extremely lonely and felt isolated. So flatmate it is. I just hope I can find someone I get along with. Hope to find someone who is conscious, aware and communes with Madre.
Needy Friends drive me nuts!
14 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in General Life Tags: expectations, needy friends
The circle was awesome.. I had a really fun easy time. H had more deep insights and healing. So so happy for her. It’s great to see her progress ans what she is getting out of it.
But this post is about another dear friend of mine that lives with me, J. She doesn’t do the work and she is not open to it. I have offered and told her all about it but she sais it’s not for her. Fair enough.. I definitely don’t want to push anyone to do it. It has to come from them. The thing I am struggling with though is that people that don’t work on themselves in some form, way, shape or size are stuck in their own story.. and she keeps on playing hers out with me here in the house. I am getting so tired of it. She doesn’t want the help I have to offer.. but expects me to be her emotional crutch. I am all round a pragmatic person. Though I do give emotional support when I feel it is important.. but J’s needs are way beyond my feelers for it. So please give me your opinion.. this is what went down.. before I start I just need to say this is not the first time. Lately something like this seems to happen every 2 weeks or so.
J comes home from work on Thursday and tells me her dad is in hospital (he lives in Canada). Looks like he had a mild heart attack but they are keeping him in for the next 3-4 days to run tests to be sure. We talked about it for about 20 min or so.. then moved on to other topics. She was not happy but also didn’t seem overly upset to me. At the time I was waiting for a friend to call me who I was to meet up with for dinner. The conversation about her dad had long finished when I get a phone call.. then another, then another.. the third call is from H… from Brisbane who I know J is extremely jealous of. H and I are going on a cruise on a luxury Jacht of friends of hers in August and she just went to see the boat. So the call was all about that .. so a very happy phone call. I had to cut H short because I was running late. On my way out the door J calls out.. bye.. and yeah.. thanks for the chat.. I thought.. what was that about?
Next day she comes home from work.. I was still working and called out from my computer.. hi, how are you? she said hello then started doing stuff in the kitchen. I finished work half an hour later, went into the kitchen.. she was very quiet and not happy. I asked her if everything was ok… she replied..’yes, I am fine’.. so I went on with my stuff.. had to go shopping so did that.
Later that evening she comes home and has a go at me for not being a supportive friend.. that I didn’t even bother to ask how her dad was and how hurt she was by that. And how un-feeling I was answering phone calls instead of ‘being there for her’.(even though the conversation about her dad finished 10 min earlier).
I am tiered of the expectations and neediness. Yes J is my friend and she lives with me but often I feel her demands on me belong more in the relationship category than flatmate / friend category. Lately this type of thing is happening every 2-3 weeks where we have a massive fight about really stupid stuff. For example.. the last one was her birthday.. we where out at a wine bar with friends. When it was time to go home I said I really need to go and eat something.. so I did.. on the way I ran into a friend and had a drink with him.. so it took about 2 hours till I came home.. well.. massive drama because I didn’t come home right away?????? WTF????????
Over it!
In a happy space
28 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in General Life
I am in a really good space right now. Funny enough I am really enjoying work at the moment. My focus has shifted to concentrating what I love about it instead of bringing in as many projects as possible. I have actually knocked back 3 jobs over the last couple of months because I wasn’t interested in them or they seemed like too much hard work.. unheard off!! Also the jobs I have now seem to be bigger, with better budgets meaning I work less which is great.
Looks like I won’t be starting my travels this year. The property market is really down and we just found a builder for the second project.. then I still have the third to do. If I can’t sell then I have to keep working to maintain everything. Perhaps this is the mother telling me to not be so extreme and find an equilibrium. Hmm.. or maybe it will just take a bit longer. I am pretty fixed on going though at some stage.. even if it is in 2 years.
H is coming down this weekend and we will be sitting a circle on Friday night, then hang out for the rest of the weekend. So looking forward to it and watching her progress on her journey.
