Needy people in my life
16 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in General Life Tags: Friendship, Relationship
Been thinking lately about certain people in my life. The clearer I get myself the more obvious are the ‘unconscious programs’ some of my friends are running. I don’t know how to help them and maybe it is not up to me to do so. I feel though I need a way to shield myself form the influence. It can often be draining and upsetting.
My Brother
I only saw him for Christmas day the entire time I was up in Brisbane.. reason, because he is upset his girlfriend dumped him and went on another one of his drug/sex benders where he hooks up with some people online, invites them over and they party for days at a time. When I realized what he was doing I didn’t really want to meet up with him. He gets very edgy and is not save to be around. I have a scar on my leg (from a bottle he pegged at me) and a scar in my arm from a knife to prove my point.
He did want to see me on my last day.. before I flew out but that was too little too late. I just returned from Byron to Brisbane and was in a really good space. I didn’t want him to mess with his ‘neediness’ dumping his problems on me.. is that bad? I need to learn the boundary of what I am willing to do and give and also look after myself too. With him.. I have tried for years but nothing every changes and I just end up feeling drained. So I decided to not try and help him. I love him, he is my brother, if he comes to me for advise sure.. but I won’t allow him to just use me to dump his problems onto either.. well.. occasionally yes.
What is hurtful is that he is not functional enough to have a friendship. But expects me to treat him like a friend. I never know which version of him I am going to get. Sometimes he is great and we get on fantastic, sometimes he is just plain narcissistic and a pain in the arse.. and at other times he is in a crazed sex/drug stupor.
So my resolve is to love him. To pray for him. To not have expectations of him. But also to accept the new status quo and face the fact he is not capable of a proper friendship.
My Flatmate / Friend
It was her birthday this weekend. Because her friends didn’t all have time she ended up having 3 separate birthday dos of which I want to 2. On Saturday we went to a wine bar in the afternoon. Towards the end she wanted me to go to a pup with her for “one more drink”. I really didn’t want to, I just wanted to grab something to eat. So I told her no, don’t want to.. going to get something to eat. So I left, she went home. On my way to the kebab stand I run into a friend I hadn’t seen in ages and we chatter for some time. When I get home J (very drunk) is also very very pissed off with me.. because ‘I lied to her’.. why did I not come straight home.. I said I was just going to get a bite.. how can I not even take her for one drink on “her birthday”.. completely over the top.
Another example is when I returned from Brisbane after Christmas. She was drunk (Sunday arvo) when I came in.. and insisted on maybe 10.. long – held – hugs and having to tell me maybe 20 times how much she missed me!.. so not comfortable.
J has no boundaries. She sais she is not in love with me but I don’t believe that any more. She is fine when sober but when drunk these things just keep on occurring. So I will talk to her tonight and ask her to put some firm boundaries into place.
Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to move in with a Friend. But I also didn’t want to live with a stranger and take the risk of not liking the person.
Christmas / NY
16 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in General Life
I was up in Brisbane and Byron over Christmas and New Year. Had a great time with not too much drinking which has been great for me.
It was the first Christmas without Dad. Mum has a new partner (somewhat platonic companion more than hot romance). He is an old friend of the family and had my Dad’s blessing to ‘look after Mum’ when he is gone. Though it was a little strange to start with we quickly got used to the new status quo. Sadly and luckily though I have to say my mum’s live has improved dramatically. He is a real sweetie and treats mum like a princess. Never any negativity, always flexible, active.. they go on about 3-4 excursions a week where they drive to rainforests and go walking and the like. It’s beautiful to see my mum having a great time.
For Christmas I invited a friend and her little boy over. It would have been very strange to just be Mum, me, my brother and mum’s new partner. Would have felt like the old setup with Dad replacement. This way it opened the whole thing up and made it something new. It was a great night.
NYE I just stayed local. Private party, no stress no cabs.. good fun. Then H and I headed down to Byron for 5 days. It was awesome. We had great weather and spend a lot of time on the beach plus drives into the hinterlands. My heart country.. that ‘s where I want to live one day. Rolling lush green hills, rainforests, the epicenter of alternative living live styles in Australia. The energy is amazing in these hills. Apparently there are massive Chrystal deposits underground due to the great dividing range. Another story I hears is there are 3 meridian lines crossing.. Don’t know but the energy is palpable.
Kambo and Ayahuasca Weekend
16 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Entheogens, Personal Journey Tags: Aya, ayahuasca, Entheogens, Kambo, Religion and Spirituality, Shamanism
It’s been ages since I have written.. I was up in Brisbane and Byron over Christmas and New Year. So here a big update over a couple of posts..
I sat another Circle around the 17/18th of Dec. The first night was Kambo and the second night Ayahuasca. Kambo is a poison from an Amazonian tree frog, applied via the skin after the top layer is singed off using a hot iron or incents. It was full on. There is nothing enjoyable about a Kambo experience. It is quiet scary actually. about 3 minutes after it was applied I though I was going to die. Blood pulsating through my vanes, it felt like it was on fire. I couldn’t breath properly, I got hotter and hotter, could see properly, lost control over my body and finally passed out. When I came back to.. violent throwing up for God knows how long. I felt so so sick. The whole experience only lasts about 30 minutes but feels more like 30 hours. I swore to never do it again.
4 weeks later though I feel differently. Something kicks in after a Kambo experience they call the Green Light. Incredible focus and clarity. You can put your mind onto something that was difficult to achieve before and now you can do it. Resolve and mind over matter is strong. You don’t get in the way of yourself. So since then alcohol hasn’t been a problem at all. I can stop when I feel I have had enough.. and ofter I don’t even start because I actually don’t want to. I don’t feel a need for it anymore. I pray it stays like that.
The second night on the Aya wasn’t very profound. The energy in the room was very unsettled. It was the first time we didn’t have a shaman present and the circle was run by one of the organisers. There was a lot of chatting, too much music (some of it not really fitting) and the tea wasn’t much of a purgative. Kind of felt more like a party. Not why I go. It’s interesting and shows me how important the setting. How the space is held.
Energy Vampire!
13 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Personal Journey Tags: energy vampire, pachamama, Psychic vampire
I have been great the last couple of weeks till this weekend. Went out with friends on Friday night and we got pretty sloshy and I ended up going home with this guy and we had sex. Since then I feel so drained. Absolutely empty, sucked dry, no energy, no love inside, I just feel horrid on an energetic level. There is nothing wrong, I am not upset with myself but .. well.. kind of am for allowing this to happen. Looking back in my live this has happened many times before but I just didn’t notice it as such or attributed different reasons to it.
Sex is a meeting of souls and there is a definite exchange of energy. I need to protect myself form this. No point in doing all this work and going on these amazing / hard work weekends just to have it all sucked out of me.
This is a lesson.. I dont want to live in these lower vibrations anymore. Sex, drinking, smoking… !!
Pachamama, Father Sky.. help me push further into you. Cleanse me of my negative past energy and fill me with love and light that may shine forward to others around me. Help me to not fall into my old patterns and remain in your divine Grace.
A week and a bit after the retreat
29 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
Just a little update to say I am and feel fantastic. Something really shifted on the last retreat for me and I seem to have full access to my Heart now. I feel love so much easier, it is always present. I feel content and full. The negativity has shifter further away. I feel really connected. It is awesome!! Pachamama.. thank you so much for your plant spirit helpers. What a gift!
Heading up to Brisbane tonight for a week, then back here for 2 weeks, then back up for 3 weeks over Christmas. Looking forward to having lots of time off and relaxing and enjoying company of friends and family.
Thinking about taking some San Pedro with me to have a spirit quest over Christmas.. maybe by myself even, somewhere in nature with no one around. Still just an idea so far.
San Pedro & Ayahuasca Weekend
23 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in Entheogens, Personal Journey Tags: spirituality, love, ayahuasca, Shamanism, Religion and Spirituality, san pedro, Entheogen, Open heart
I had San Pedro for the first time last weekend. What an awesome experience!! The circle was held at a hippie commune in the middle of a state forrest. It was miles away from anywhere. A spiritual place of great significance to Aboriginals. The place did have an amazing energy. The group was about 15 strong and we started on the Saturday allowing us all to get acquainted on the Friday evening. Really a good ide.
Saturday, San Pedro
I had an easy journey on the San Pedro. My mind didn’t get in the way, I was able to drop down and surrender. After having the medicine we went for a bush walk to allow it to kick in. We got covered in leaches and it was very funny watching everyone doing the ‘Leach Dance’.. trying to get them off. When we returned and settled down I could really feel it working on me. I decided to be by myself in the forst and commune, find my ground. It was a very smart thing to do. Staying in communication with others at that time would have surely raised my ‘social demons’. So I found a spot and gazed into the forest and got completely swept away. I felt so connected, so in love with mother earth. The forst.. the trees, and I felt them love me right back. It was incredible. My soul filled up and I was in absolute awe. I stayed there for about 2 hours. At times someone would come up and I would share a hug, share my communion with nature, then they would move on and I’d be with the forst again. Then it got dark and the stars came out. Wow.. wow, wow, wow.. I felt the same connection to the stars and the universe and again I sat there in awe and amazement. Completely one with everything. No separation. The group started to build a fire behind me, about 20m away and one of the guys came over asking me if he should play the drums. Of course I said.. and then the tribal communion commenced. The beats pounded through me. I could not stay still. I started dancing as did others. All in unity I joined the group around the file. We played drumms, screamed, I dug my bare feet into the ground, we danced. One of the women stripped of bare and danced naked around the fire. It was primal, it was magical, it reminded me of movies of American Indians doing their totem dances and rituals. We all felt so connected with each other, the universe, nature. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life!!!
That night I didn’t seep much but had many insights into the working of my mind. How my ‘monkey mind’ gets itself into knots at times over certain issues. It was most insightful. The next day we chilled out all day and relaxed. I still find it amazing that one can have such a strong experience with plant medicine and have absolutely zero hangover the next day. These are NOT drugs. They don’t steal from you.
Sunday Night, Ayahuasca
My aya experience was not as heavy as the previous onces. Not sure if it was the atmosphere or just me. Most others didn’t have a heavy experience either. The structure of this group was looser, and in a way more lovingly supportive. Also there was some light compared to the other ceremonies being in complete darkness.
The most amazing thing I would like to share about this aya experience is the arrival of my seven spirit guides. I have seen them before, but didn’t know who they where or what their purpose was. This time it was very clear. When the second phase of the journey started (I will write separately about the stages) the seven guides arrived as luminous figures, very different looking to my normal visuals I get. They where live size and walked past me on the right hands side, opening a door right next to me. As they walked past some made some signals at me, others waved. There was a real cheeky one, a larger woman, some older men with grace and composure, they all entered through the door into the back of my head, then closed it. That’s when I understood what they where here for. I welcomed them and I thanked them for being here.
They where with me all through the second phase and guided me. Showing me various things, directing my purging, as in asking me to give it to them, and keeping me on track. For example, if I would go too deep into a process or thought I would have this one guide pop up shaking his finger, telling me to let it go. So I did and the journey continued. It was amazing and the smoothest journey I have had so far. I got exactly out of it what I needed. What I asked for.. working with my spirit guides. Are they real? Are they Imagined? I think they are real and I want to meet them and get to know them.
So what did I ask and what did I get? I have left my past behind. It is all about new beginnings, the future. I asked for Mother Aya to show me my true potentials. What is in me and what can I become. I experienced myself in a completely new way that night Something that has always been inside was amplified and took me over. I became a teacher and a healer. I was sitting there with strong arms, strong straight back, my heart full of love, radiating, feeling my strength and grace. It was beautiful and I thank Mother for showing me what lies inside me.
One beautiful confirmation of this came from the Drummer. It was his frist time taking Aya and he was somewhat weary. He came to me for guidance before we sat and I gave him some advice and put his mind at ease. While we where travelling I looked over at him and send him love and prayers for a good journey. The next day he comes up to me and calls me his lighthouse. I ask him what he meant and he told me while he was travelling he looked at the candle in the middle of the room.. then suddenly he saw a brighter radiant light beyond the candle. Focusing on the other side of the room he realised it was me, sitting strong, upright radiating like a lighthouse. How awesome. Did he feel may prayer? Did he perceive it as a shining light?
Marijuana in a spiritual context
17 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
in Pachamama, Entheogens, Personal Journey Tags: spiritual journey, ayahuasca, pachamama, Entheogens, marijuana, pot, dope, weed, san pedro
I was in Brisbane 2 weeks ago and went to Moreton Island with a friend for 4 days. It was fantastic. Over there smoked pot for the first time in years. Not a lot, just a little. It was very interesting to see the old little paranoia and fears knocking on my door. They crippled me at times in my early 20ies when I smoked a lot. But funny enough I was able to just go.. ahah.. naaa.. After using Ayahuasca I am very much aware these are created by myself and hold no truth. I was able to relax and they vanished.
Pot is psychoactive and it is ridiculous to smoke it all the time. I found the stages of being stoned similar to the stages of an Aya session. The initial massive high where sensations are flooding in. Go with it and you fly, go against it and it goes against you!!.. once that fades a more contemplative / insightful stage follows and lastly a comfortable mellowing out. After this experience I want to use marijuana in a ritualistic way. To connect with Pachamama, celebrate and give thanks. Feel the deep connection to nature and the plant spirits.
Dope was never something I enjoyed in company, especially not in public or larger groups. It’s just overload for me. I now know I didn’t use it back then but abused it. I now see it as a plant healer. Like Aya and San Pedro. Will post my experience of using it this way.
This morning I did my morning ritual of smudging incense giving thanks & setting my intentions. I haven’t done it since I returned from Brisbane, so for about 2 weeks. It was very powerful. I had to stand there for about 5 minutes just waving my feather feeling myself reconnect. It was awesome and I am so thankful. I now feel so calm and collected, peaceful and focused. Ready for the day.
This weekend I will be sitting a circle using Ayahuasca and San Pedro. I haven’t used San Pedro before so am very curious. Will post next week what it was like.
When friends lie
11 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
in General Life Tags: Friendship, honesty, jealousy, Lies
I had a very odd thing happen with a friend / flatmate of mine a while ago. JL was visiting me in Brisbane and helped me organise my mums 60th. On the night she met HA. another girl friend of mine, roughly her age.. I thought it strange the day after the party that JL made a big point that it was HA who broke the ‘only’ glass that night and it was HA that spilled the ashtray.. (uhm.. who cares?)
That evening we met up at the pup with some other older friends of mine and my mothers for my birthday drinks.. (mum and I are only days apart).. HA. was also there.
When we got home JL tells me that my mother came up to her at the bar and said to her she thought it was inappropriate for HA. to be there.. it’s a family affair and she shouldn’t be there. I thought this was very odd. I know my mother and she just wouldn’t say something like that, even if she believed it. So I asked her 3 times if that is ‘really’ what my mother said and she confirmed 3 times. I told her at the time I thought it was odd and I can’t imagine my mother saying something like that.
I checked withm mum the next day and it turns out that JL said this to my mother.. not the other way around. Which makes much more sense to me.
I was very surprised by this crazy.. so easy to detect.. straight out lie. I didn’t say anything for months. I have however somewhat ‘quarantined’ JL from my other friends. I thought I would let it go because there is obviously something very odd going on in my friends head. I have asked her though once or twice since if she liked HA. This has been a bee in JL’s bonnet and lately she keeps on asking me why I think she doesn’t like HA. She doesn’t understand.. so.. last night I told her why and all hell broke loose.
I wasn’t angry or judging I simply said, I was wondering if you liked HA. because I have conflicting stories about said night between you and my mother. My friend freaked out completely.. ‘So you are calling me a liar..???’, ‘So what.. you want me to move out!!’, complete overreaction! Flapping her wings like a fly stuck in a spiders web.
The scary thing is I actually think she believes her version of the story. She is so invested in it. Like it’s a matter of life and death.
I am really glad I did say something. It needed to be out in the open. I think sometimes I try too hard to make things ok for others and give away my own integrity in the process. This taught me I can say what I think, I have a right to it and I am not responsible for other peoples ‘issues’.
The personal and the shared
04 Nov 2011 1 Comment
I am looking at the way I communicate with others and what I share. I just don’t feel I have that much to give. I seem to be very focused in on my journey and my thoughts and my self. Some of the people i have met recently play instruments, sing, share love openly, encourage in various ways. I seem to not have much in those departments. When it comes to conversation, I seem to only really have the topic of my self. Unless its internet related.. or relates straight back to my personal journey. Are others like this too? Maybe I am being too harsh on myself.
I want to try and find my way of sharing though. So for this blog I am going to keep really private rants private and share what is or could be of actual interest to people. I am not needy that I need to share everything.. I don’t need to spill my guts here. Not anymore. More interested in dialogues than monologues these days.
Calea zacatechichi – Mexican Dream Herb
02 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
in Entheogens Tags: ayahuasca, Aya, Dream, Calea zacatechichi, Lucid dream, Mexican dream herb
Two nights ago I tried a tea made from Calea.. or Mexican Dream Herb. Firstly I have to say.. I thought Ayahuasca tasted bad… but this stuff takes the cake for being, by far, the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life. It was so bad that I decided to not finish off the amount I prepped and next time I am considering either buying a concentrate in pill form I can just swallow or making my own.
I didn’t have a large amount and had it a few hours before I went to bed.. but that night I had a very vivid dream that was extremely linear. Usually my dreams jump around the place and are somewhat obscure. This dream was very clear, still remember it in detail days after. Also for some reason it felt like a premonition. It was nothing special, just I was with a group of people and I was looking at a house to rent. It was big with an upstairs and a downstairs with a long corridor running down the middle and quiet a few rooms. It had an outhouse. I was sussing the place out for being able to run ceremonies as well as live there of course. The place was set in low density suburbia.. hmm.. yes very exciting I know..
I have to say though if that dream would have turned lucid.. as in being able to interact together with its intensity it would have been an amazing experience. The next day I felt extremely refreshed. I slept like a log that night for nearly 10 hours. My body felt all tingly and awesome.
Definitely will try it again with a bigger dose.
